I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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