I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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