i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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