he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm at about main and main street
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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