I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
