half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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