Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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