If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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