did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
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I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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