I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
