Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
