you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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