do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
