now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
