I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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