My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
