those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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