Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
