It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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