Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
