I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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