At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is Oprah even human
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
