Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
