but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
