My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
