Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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