Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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