Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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