6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
