false alarm. still invincible.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
