i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
