it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
