I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
