Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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