so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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