I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
are you so shy because you have an std?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
