i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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