you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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