i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
