i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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