mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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