i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
