Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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