My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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