Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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