Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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