I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
