is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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