omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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