I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
