I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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